Here are some status’ from some of my friends today (excuse the language).

“Fuck everything. I hate all this! I hate it! Everything doesn’t get better by time, if anything everything is 100xs worse. I can’t handle this shit anymore! I just can’t.. :/ its too much..”

“Is it bad when all you do anymore is when you drink you hope its your last, cause you have lost those closest to you….”

“gotta love it when my daughter’s fathers lies so he doesn’t have to have her over night so I can work……..nothing worse than a liar pisses me off.”

It got me thinking of how poor of an example I have been.

I know better than what I have let off to know.

The hope and love I know about, I don’t reveal as much as I know I should.

It’s almost like sending people down the painful road.

How selfish I feel right now.

Conviction is a huge part of my life, and I do mean HUGE!

It sure is kicking my butt right now…

So I broke down the walls of selfishness, and told my friends of the hope and love that’s available.

Now… waiting on responses… and praying.

I was thinking today, someone has died for me.

But I haven’t been able to fully grasp it, It’s pretty simple though, someone died so that I could live.

Now twisting it around… If I died so that someone else, or even the whole world, could live I would want them to forever remember how blessed they are to be alive.

And to remember that I did that for them. And maybe every once and a while thank me.

I have felt so very selfish lately. Like I keep looking at how horrible people are to me and how they should be thanking me or the fact that all I want from others is deep down secretly for me.

Now this isn’t ALL the time, I have just been noticing it recently.

Somebody DIED for me. So that I could live. I need to be thankful for what I have, such as the life I am living, and live it the way the person that died for me would have wanted to live it.

For Him.

]]> http://mahollyghandi.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/dying/feed/ 0 mahollyghandi http://mahollyghandi.wordpress.com/2011/10/17/breathe/ http://mahollyghandi.wordpress.com/2011/10/17/breathe/#comments Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:17:28 +0000 mahollyghandi http://mahollyghandi.wordpress.com/?p=138 Continue reading →]]> I always start with “I haven’t put anything up in a while”. So let’s not start off like that.

It’s time to look at myself. Out loud. For all to see…

Okay, my life is a mess, again.

This always happens, I do alright, then fall. Then try to get back up and get beaten down. I need to seriously learn that I can’t do things myself. I really can’t. I can try but that’s where I fail and get beaten down.

Thing’s have happened lately that has made me look at myself and say I should be the one my friends go to because of my faith, not me joining in the moping. Me being the strong one. Not the weak.

Life is so hard. It turns my stomach sometimes. I wish it could just be even slightly easier. Just a little.

I drink and smoke it off, which makes me the weak one. Knowing that I have a higher power that will give me a better outcome.

I miss being so strong. I miss the confidence I had in my faith, the knowing that I’ll be alright no matter what happens. That during the hard times, I need not to worry.

Sometimes, I think I can never get back there. But then other times I see it possible. I cry with the idea of both. I cry thinking I will never be there again. I cry because I see it’s possibility and don’t want to give up the things that will help me get there.

I just cry alot.

Happy.

Sad.

Mad.

I cry.

I wish things would just be okay.

And easy.

But then again, there would be no struggles to bring us closer to where we need to be.

I need to just breathe.

Just breathe.

Right from the start

I didn’t see it at first

I had to go throught the worst

To see the love you have for me

You have and will love me eternally

The heart you created me

I’m surprised that love I could not see.

My past, present and future

All at one point i saw as torture

But you were faithful and showed

Now, your love for me i’ll always know

Will always be there

Even when i’m tired and weak and scared.

God you will always prevail

Your love will never, EVER, fail.

All you mean to me?

I’ve loved you, i always have

Now go tell them that i live

Tell your friends i’m here

I want them to be near

I have always loved them too

Will YOU let me make them new

Tell them of my love

And to just look above

I’m there

Assure them not to be scared

I will protect

Their hearts i will never neglect

Tell them about you

How i made you brand new

Then rejoice

Raise your voice

Unto me and you will see that i will be,

Forever faithful

Be grateful

I’m here

Do not fear….

Well i’m here now. And i want to mention some things that have happened since school at Dibor.

I have gotten close to people. And grew apart from people. I forgot promises i made to myself and others. I have made new promises that i try to keep. I have also grown up alot. Well, in my eyes.

I got into smoking cigarettes about a year ago. Did a little bit of drinking as well. Had many opportunities to do some drugs but thankfully never gave in. I usually only smoke when im with someone. Socially smoking. But last night i stopped and thought real hard about where my life is, where i want it to be, and where it has been. I dont ever want to be what i used to be. I look forward to  my future, and where i am now is not good for those past two situations.

Starting with smoking, i thought i prayed and prayed for my grandma to quit and she did and told everyone it was because i prayed for her. Im pretty sure she would be awfully disappointed in me if she was still here. I also dont want to die that way, cancer. I dont want to put my family through all that. Ever. And what the heck is good that comes out of it! NOTHING! Just a whole lot of money wasted on killing yourself. Im done. DONE! Not another. Nope not even one! I wont, someone said to me “Those things will kill ya”. And alot of people say that but when its someone you care about alot, its so real. I dont want anyone to mourn over my stupidity. Ugh. Wish i thought of this a long time ago.

Drinking. Well, i personally dont think there is MUCH wrong with it, getting drunk ehhh not good. Getting a little buzz not SO bad. i dont know, another thing that just really dont benefit a person much. And not drinking all the time. An occasional drink isn’t that bad. I should probably add when your actually of age. Hehe.

I was invited to a party tonight with some good friends. And i wanted to go SO bad, but knew if i went i wouuld drink and smoke, and with all that thinking i did last night there is no way i could stop trying already. So i said no. It was so hard to say no. But i did. And i’m glad i did. It kinda felt good.

I want to be someone God is proud of. Not disappointed in. So i’m working towards that, and through Him i can do it.

I believe youth group last night was truly for me, they talked about winning people to Christ, going out and telling people about Him. This video really spoke many things to me, and was something i couldn’t stop thinking about last night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa9JE_ZVL88

I don’t want my friends and the people i love to go to hell, i cried so hard just thinking about it. My friend Matt, and people i worked with. It is horrible to think about. The torture they will go through, and because I didnt say something, ahhh. How much do i have to hate someone not to tell them about a hell, or eternal life.

Another bad habit of mine, is bitterness. I realized the other day i hold bitterness against people that have no idea, its kind of selfish actually. I don’t want to be like that. And i saw it happening, i just did this huge heart check. And failed. But my God can help me. Can heal my heart, and love on it so much that all the bad thing just fall away.

Valentines Day. AKA Singles awareness day. I moped around for a while. Then it hit me, what the heck, its a day of love. God is my love. My valentine. I posted this on facebook  “Happy Valentines Day to the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Forever… and i know i will. You mean more to me than anything or anyone!! I love you” and not even 2 min later i turned the radio to 90.1 and this song came on…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6pS5HCkgPI

I cried, it was from God. He thinks i’m beautiful and loves me so very much. And doesn’t want my past to hinder or effect my future. And it started to. I thought of all the things i had done this past year and how it will effect my future and present. Then he just kept speaking to me, saying He has everything under control and knows my heart more than anyone. And will work things out for me, which He always does. It’s just hard to believe in the hard times. But, He is faithful!

There is a song my friend showed me called “Draw me away”. And i just love it.

Behold, You are fair
You’re fairer than the sons of men
Behold, You are fair, my Love

Chorus:

Draw me away
Draw me away to You
For I long for it to be me and You

Bridge:

For I am Your beloved and You are mine
I’ve ravished Your heart and You’ve ravished mine

Tags:

Draw me away, my Beloved One
Draw me away, my Love

Let us run together
Let us run together

It just makes me want God and everything He is. I want Him to take me and never let me go.

Ever.

Well all summed up… I am quitting smoking and drinking. Im going to be bold. I will not become bitter and let my past take me again. I will also love God, and allow Him to love me back.

I love you. Love me.

Well lately i have learned that i really need to be careful with what i do with my love. Especially who i give it to. Only God REALLY deserves my love. If i give God my love he will give me the love in person with a husband that he has set out for me. If im not giving it to God he is not going to bless any other love. He won’t. And thats ok with me.

I just need to learn how to give it to Him and control my own feelings.

Rick Pino put it this way:

My Romance
Rick Pino

Verse:
Look at the way the flowers bloom for You
They want to show You their beauty Lord
Running waters dance, You and I romance

Chorus:
Unto You be all the glory.
Unto You be all the glory (repeat)

Bridge:
The angels dance around You
The earth it sings about You
Open up the heavens Lord
Let Your Kingdom come to earth

my praises all surround you
my soul can’t dance without you
open up the heavens Lord
let Your kingdom come to earth

I find this song beyond beautiful. “Look at the way the flowers bloom for you” I sigh everytime i hear that. Because its true. The flowers bloom in glory of God. They want to show Him their beauty. Flowers want to show GOD their beauty. Think of a flower. Its a green thing that grows out of dirt, it grows and becomes beautiful and smells good. Well some of them. The flowers want to show GOD, this mighty person, how beautiful it is. CRAZY!

Running waters dance. My goodness. The waves just clapping for Jesus. ahhhhhh.

Unto you be all the glory… mmmmmm.

The angels dance around You. The earth it sings about You. Open up the heavens Lord. Let Your Kingdom come to earth. I can’t even explain this one. Its too good, i have to leave it there.
My praises all surround you. My soul can’t dance without you. Open up the heavens Lord. Let Your kingdom come to earth.

MY SOUL CAN’T DANCE WITHOUT YOU. Ahhhhhhhhh I don’t even know.

Another inspiring song. This time Cory Asbury:

The promise of your coming light
It burns so brightly in my mind
and all creation longs and waits
For the dawning of that day

And he will come riding on the clouds
With Justice in his heart
And a sword upon his side

And all will see the glory of this man
With fire in his eyes
He’s jealous for his bride

He’s faithful to the end
He’s faithful to my heart
He’s faithful to the end
He will come and marry me

and He’s faithful to the end
Hes faithful to my heart
Hes faithful to the end
He will come and marry me

Glory to the righteous one
Glory to the righetous one

He’s faithful to the end
He’s faithful to my heart
He’s faithful to the end
He will come and marry me

God is faithful to the end I need to accept that and learn that and KNOW that. I will. God has my back. Whether i think so or not. I know deep down he has my future and its going to be ok.

Now to tell my heart that…..

Romance is something intimate that should not be taken lightly. Not something to be careless with like so many people end up doing… being careless with it.

I will admit i have been very careless with it, very, very careless.

And i am going to try my hardest to give my romance to the one who created even the thought of romance let alone the act of romance. And I’m not talking about sex I am talking about intimacy.

Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

Being intimate with God is probably the most amazing thing to God. That’s what i believe. God loves it. He wants it. He loves it.

Intimacy is a type of love.

Love: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

Jesus is my daddy. I am His child. He is also my friend. And I am His friend.

Your romance for me is a faithful act. Your the only romance that is going to be faithful to the end. Come and marry me. Be my forever love.

God, I want YOU and only you to be my romance. I want to give all my love to you. Because you are faithful. I know you are. So please help me be with you. And just you. Just you God. I love you.

Friendships, i love them.

Friendships and relationships are some of my favorite things EVER!!!!

I have been thinking alot about the people i have met within a year, and they are forever friendships, every single one of them. Especially and specifically the ones i have made in Dibor. Tabs, Katie, Emily, Nicole, Kelly, Ethan, Joe, Ben, Shelby, Daniel, Ephraim, Jay, Joanna, Costa. Dibor ends next Saturday, i am going to miss everyone so very very very much.

The people in this group mean so much to me, everything that they have all done, everything they have said, they play such a huge role in my life, its unbelievable. I would do anything for these amazing people. I am really going to miss living with them all.

We have had some good times: Dance parties, Movie nights at Jays, going on walks and doin funny movements with our bodies as we walk, falling on our faces before God as a group, Just laughing over nothing for hours, creating inside jokes, going to New York City, Car rides, just everything. They have all blessed me so much. And i love my unique relationship with each and every one of them. I love them all. Guys i’m going to miss you all.

God, i pray you bless each of their lives, bless their home life, their futures, their decisions. Just everything about them. I pray you guide them in their everyday life. Keep them safe day by day. All them to be enriched with blessings straight from you and keep them by your side. Amen.